WHAT TO DO
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
THE CRITICAL STEPS IN DEALING WITH RESISTANT OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER (ODD THAT RESISTS NORMAL PARENTING), AS TOUGHT BY JAMES KEIM, ARE BELOW. THESE STEPS ARE FOR RESISTANT ODD ONLY, NOT NECESSARILY FOR OTHER ODD VARIENTS. (THESE STEPS APPEAR IN THE PUBLICATIONS OF JAMES KEIM, SO PLEASE CITE IF YOU LIKE THESE ENOUGH TO QUOTE).
THE CRITICAL STEPS ARE:
I. SELF-CARE BY PARENTS - SUCCESSFULLY DEALING WITH ODD IS AN ENDURANCE BATTLE. THE MOST CRITICAL VARIABLE IN OUTCOME ARE NOT THE TECHNIQUES YOU LEARN HERE OR ELSEWHERE. THE MOST IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION TO SUCCESS IS PARENT SELF-CARE. IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS TYPE OF ODD, PARENTS OFTEN RECOGNIZE THAT THEIR LIVES HAVE INCREASINGLY BECOME OVERFOCUSED ON DEALING WITH THEIR OPPOSITIONAL CHILD. THIS OVER FOCUS, BOTH IN TERMS OF ENERGY AND TIME, IMPAIRS YOUR ABILITY TO RESPOND THE WAY YOU WISH. STEP ONE IS TO START FOCUSING ON RETURNING SOME DEGREE OF QUALITY OF LIFE BY DOING THE THINGS YOU USED TO DO OR ADDING SOME NEW ONES IN. (SOME NICE HINTS IN SELF CARE ARE HERE)
II. STEP BACK FROM DOING THE NORMAL THINGS THAT DON'T WORK. GOOD PARENTS HAVE ENORMOUS ENDURANCE FOR TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING, EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT WORKING. INSTEAD, GIVE YOURSELVES PERMISSION TO NOT REPEAT WHAT YOU HAVE ALREADY PROVEN DOES NOT WORK, EVEN IF IT WORKED FOR YOUR OTHER KIDS AND EVERY OTHER KID YOU'VE KNOWN. INSTEAD, START EXPERIMENTING WITH DIFFERENT WAYS OF WORKING WITH YOUR KIDS' BEHAVIORS THAT, WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF SAFETY AND ETHICS, DON'T CONFORM TO WHAT IS "SUPPOSED" TO WORK.
III. CREATE AN INDIVIDUALIZED PARENT GUIDE. WRITE DOWN YOUR EXPERIMENTS IN HANDLING OPPOSITIONAL MOMENTS, ESPECIALLY WHAT DID AND DID NOT WORK. WRITE DOWN YOUR EXPERIMENTS IN SELF-CARE AS WELL. MORE ON INDIVIDUALIZED PARENT GUIDES CAN BE FOUND HERE.
IV. UNLESS SAFETY IS AN ISSUE, AVOID DISCUSSING PROBLEM BEHAVIOR WITH ODD CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS AT THE TIME OF THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR. THEY ARE USUALLY TOO DISREGULATED AT THAT MOMENT TO DO THREE IMPORTANT THINGS:
1) TO HEAR YOU PROPERLY
2) TO REMEMBER WHAT THEY DID
3) TO REMEMBER THE LESSON THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO TEACH
WHAT WORKS MUCH BETTER IS, IF POSSIBLE, TO DISCUSS PROBLEM BEHAVIOR AT A TIME WHEN THEY ARE CALMED DOWN AND AT A TIME THAT IS BEST FOR THE PARENTS TO REMAIN CALM AND BE THEIR BEST SELVES. IT IS A MYTH THAT IT IS BEST TO GIVE A CONSEQUENCE AT THE TIME OF BAD BEHAVIOR. THE BEST TIME TO DISCUSS BAD BEHAVIOR IS WHEN THE CHILD IS BEST ABLE TO PROCESS THE CONVERSATION AND THE ADULT IS CENTERED ENOUGH TO BE HAPPY WITH HOW THEY HANDLE THINGS.
V. REWORK RULES AND CONSEQUENCES SO THAT
A) CONSEQUENCES DON'T NEED THE COLLABORATION OF THE CHILD OR ADOLESCENT. IF YOU ARE DEPENDENT UPON COOPERATION TO PUNISH AN ODD CHILD OR ADOLESCENT, GIVING A CONSEQUENCE JUST SETS UP PARENTS FOR A NEW DISEMPOWERING CONFRONTATION.
B) WORK IN ENOUGH POSITIVE REWARDS SO THAT YOU CAN MAINTAIN ABOUT A SIX TO ONE RATIO OF POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES TO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES.
VI. DISCUSS JUSTICE INJURIES IN A SOOTHING AND EMPATHIC WAY WITH THESE CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS. (CLICK HERE FOR MORE ABOUT JUSTICE INJURY).
IF YOU NEED MORE HELP WITH THESE STEPS, AN NEW BOOK BY JAMES KEIM SHOULD BE AVAILABLE IN 2025. IF YOU WOULD LIKE A PROFESSIONAL CONSULTATION, PLEASE EMAIL JAMES AT [email protected] FOR SCHEDULING AN APPOINTMENT.
